One year ago I was in a very dark place. I was fighting a battle for my life and for my faith. Recently I went back to read my journal from those months. As I read, I was taken back to that place of physical pain, emotional wreckage and intense struggle. As if seeing it all in a vivid flashback, I could feel the emotions of those moments again. Images came back to me from memories I’d buried and blocked from my mind. Yet, I was overwhelmed as what stood out to me was not the struggle, but the clear picture of God’s faithfulness and grace to see me through to where I am today.
I’m in the process of going back to those moments and writing a series called Hope Unshaken on the hope that God gave me in the midst of the storm. I’m not sure what it will look like exactly, and I don’t expect it to be a quick project. But when God asks you to do something, you better not just sit there!
Since this is where my mind is right now, there is one piece I’ve been working on that I think I need to share tonight. Although… it’s not easy. It’s scary. I’m not sure I want everyone to know of these places I keep deep inside. It’s personal. Real. Vulnerable. Yet, I know that God wants to use it, because it’s not about me. It is about Him and his amazing power to transform lives.
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One year ago.
Heavy, black darkness clung to me.
Physically I was falling apart. Emotionally, I was breaking down. There were nights when I was so sick, my heart scarcely keeping a beat, that I honestly wasn’t sure if I would wake up in the morning. I don’t say that flippantly either. I really wasn’t sure.
During those months, nearly every night I would put the song Be Still My Soul on repeat and fall asleep to these words.
In you I rest. In you I found my hope.
In you I trust. You never let me go.
I place my life within your hands alone.
Be still, my soul.
As I drifted off to Kari Jobe’s voice calling me to be still, I found rest. The problems hadn’t gone away, but I knew that my God was never going to let me go.
Those nights were defining moments in my life. There was something about being in a place that low, all alone, that really solidified who I was in Christ. I didn’t have anyone there to give me a hug when I wasn’t sure I could keep going any longer. There was no one to cry with as the miserable nights dragged on. It was just me.
But in those moments, I truly understood that I was far from alone.
I had the ultimate source of strength, hope, comfort, and peace right there with me. I could rest in knowing that my life was in God’s hands. No matter what happened, I knew that God had me safe and secure in his arms. I knew He was never going to let me go.
Over the course of the last year, I have trudged through valleys deep and dark, but I have seen God’s faithfulness with every step. I have watched a transformation take place in my life, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Hope has defeated despair. Joy has triumphed over sorrow. This kind of enduring hope and joy can only come through Christ alone.
Because of Him, I have come out of the fire with Hope Unshaken.